I think I needed a break.
A break from thinking, a break from writing, a break from being so honest and candid. A break from wondering if I was whining too much about feeling poorly and writing too many depressing posts. Perhaps what I most needed a break from was having cancer and feeling as sick as I do now. I didn’t get that, of course.
But I did have a few weeks, or maybe even a month to allow my brain to shut off. Watch too much T.V. and read too many books too fast. Play stupid games. Enjoy my free days and the sunshine with my sister and my boyfriend and friends here and there. Distract myself from the side effects that were coursing through my body at first, from the treatment, and later from the everyday pain and discomfort and muscle weakness and fatigue. I couldn’t always distract myself. But for that I have a family and friends to talk to, and a medicine chest full of aids. My (nurse) sister’s favorite past-time is suggesting I take a pain pill or an anti-nausea pill or an Ativan or use a heat pack or have a protein-laced milkshake to get myself through whatever I was thinking or feeling at that particular moment.
Things have gotten a lot better, little by little, day by day. Thanks to the TPN I am now ten pounds heavier, well hydrated, full of vitamins and electrolytes and proteins. Thanks to my family’s diligent and loving care I take lots of walks, my lung cavity stays well drained, my legs stay un-swollen, and I am coerced into eating and drinking more calories and protein than I would get otherwise. I still feel nauseated, inexplicably, many days, and I vomit, inexplicably, more than I care to. But I am now hopefully physically strong enough and sufficiently relaxed and ready to confront my next trip to Germany.
So i’m re-booting my brain and blogging for the occasion. I leave Wednesday. I apologize if you were worried. I don’t plan to take another leave of absence from writing… in fact, if you’re lucky, i’m hoping to write a post or two while i’m there. We’ll see. For now, i’m trying not to dread the trip completely. I am a lot better off physically than I was last time. We don’t have as many unknowns about the logistics of the trip to deal with. I even get to see a little bit of the country before I’m scheduled to arrive at the hospital.
Still, I am curious but not eager to learn how effective the first treatment was–and what my chances are looking like for the next treatments. I am not looking forward to experiencing the next side effects my tumors have in store for me; I do not wish to feel worse again before I feel better. But I hope I have been through the worst of things and that this second trip and second treatment is just another step on what is turning out to be a very long road to recovery and to getting my life back on track. I miss it.