turning on my brain–hello again!

I think I needed a break.

A break from thinking, a break from writing, a break from being so honest and candid. A break from wondering if I was whining too much about feeling poorly and writing too many depressing posts. Perhaps what I most needed a break from was having cancer and feeling as sick as I do now. I didn’t get that, of course.

But I did have a few weeks, or maybe even a month to allow my brain to shut off. Watch too much T.V. and read too many books too fast. Play stupid games. Enjoy my free days and the sunshine with my sister and my boyfriend and friends here and there. Distract myself from the side effects that were coursing through my body at first, from the treatment, and later from the everyday pain and discomfort and muscle weakness and fatigue. I couldn’t always distract myself. But for that I have a family and friends to talk to, and a medicine chest full of aids. My (nurse) sister’s favorite past-time is suggesting I take a pain pill or an anti-nausea pill or an Ativan or use a heat pack or have a protein-laced milkshake to get myself through whatever I was thinking or feeling at that particular moment.

Things have gotten a lot better, little by little, day by day. Thanks to the TPN I am now ten pounds heavier, well hydrated, full of vitamins and electrolytes and proteins. Thanks to my family’s diligent and loving care I take lots of walks, my lung cavity stays well drained, my legs stay un-swollen, and I am coerced into eating and drinking more calories and protein than I would get otherwise. I still feel nauseated, inexplicably, many days, and I vomit, inexplicably, more than I care to. But I am now hopefully physically strong enough and sufficiently relaxed and ready to confront my next trip to Germany.

So i’m re-booting my brain and blogging for the occasion. I leave Wednesday. I apologize if you were worried. I don’t plan to take another leave of absence from writing… in fact, if you’re lucky, i’m hoping to write a post or two while i’m there. We’ll see. For now, i’m trying not to dread the trip completely. I am a lot better off physically than I was last time. We don’t have as many unknowns about the logistics of the trip to deal with. I even get to see a little bit of the country before I’m scheduled to arrive at the hospital.

Still, I am curious but not eager to learn how effective the first treatment was–and what my chances are looking like for the next treatments. I am not looking forward to experiencing the next side effects my tumors have in store for me; I do not wish to feel worse again before I feel better. But I hope I have been through the worst of things and that this second trip and second treatment is just another step on what is turning out to be a very long road to recovery and to getting my life back on track. I miss it.

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14 Responses to turning on my brain–hello again!

  1. Coral says:

    Holding you in my thoughts and the knowledge that you are surrounded by those who love you.

  2. My precious Lindsey, I pray for a safe trip for you and Scott and Debbie. May you find good results and a good report from your doctor. I pray also that this is the beginning of a new life filled with good health and much happiness with your family, your friends and your boy friend.
    I LOVE YOU.!

  3. Julie says:

    So nice to hear your voice.

  4. Holly D. says:

    Lindsey, I wish you much success and fewer side effects in your treatment in Germany! Glad you are also getting to have some fun by seeing something other than the inside of hospitals! You are one brave woman and a terrific writer! Never worry about “writing too many depressing posts!” It is what it is. I love that your sister (nurse) is so helpful! :)

  5. Cathy says:

    Lindsey..sometimes one has to push the pause button. With all that has gone on this past month I can’t think of anyone more that needed to just be. I am glad that in the middle of it all there were moments where you did things that you needed to do to take care of yourself and enjoy times with those you love. As you get ready to cross the country again remember that along the way you have so many people that are keeping you in their thoughts and holding you in positive intentions. Hold tight to that when you need it. Feel the power of all of our love.
    Blessings on your journey.

  6. Mary says:

    WELCOME BACK!
    I hear you, was feeling overwhelmed the past 2 weeks…I care for my husband-I am the one who has to communicate to everyone how he’s feeling, what treatments etc…some days it is overwhelming-good to know I’m not the only one who feels that way. I don’t know how you feel-but thank you for helping me to understand not only you but my husband a little better.
    Sending healing wishes to you.:)
    Mary-Pittsburgh

  7. Ken says:

    LIndsey – Wishing you and your parents a safe journey and sending along prayers for good news.

  8. Patricia says:

    Lindsey, Prayers for you and your family and that you will find this first treatment was successful in the eyes of your doctors. Wishing you a safe journey.

  9. Sharon Larsen says:

    Lindsey, It was so good to see your post today! I have been thinking about you a lot and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I am glad you are doing somewhat better. I hope you have safe, uneventful travel to Germany and that the doctors there have good news for you! Here’s to a successful 2nd treatment and no bad side affects! I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts for this upcoming trip and treatment. Keep the posts coming (as you can). Missed you but I do understand that we all need a break from this dreadful cancer!

  10. AshMac says:

    Thank God, girl! I was so worried! Re: this trip: just let it be. Try not to anticipate anything. Don’t worry twice. Take it one moment at a time. This is a tough, tough journey, but you are traversing it one step at a time, one day at a time; you are doing it! I know you’re a grateful person, which is why you’re fighting so hard. Keep purposely practicing gratitude each and every day. Even on the crummiest ones. ESPECIALLY on the crummiest ones. There’s always that precious jewel hidden behind the pain. For me it is the Lord and the knowledge that He’s been there, He’s suffered, He died and lead the way. On a day when I puked every 8 minutes from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed, His love & example kept me going. Find your jewel and let it be your secret weapon. You are in my prayers.

  11. Paul Glowiak says:

    Good luck with your treatments in Germany and I hope you get some good news!

  12. esmz7b says:

    Hey Lindsey. It’s great to hear from you. Sorry you’re not feeling so great. Have a safe trip and I hope treatment goes well.

  13. Iain says:

    Hi Lindsay, glad to see you’re back on form again; I found your blog a few months ago as I’ve also got a NET. I was a bit concerned about your extended radio-silence this last month.

    Like you, I’m having Y90 treatment – I’ve just had my 4th round on Tuesday this week, and am typing this from the splendid isolation of the Royal Marsden in London, so I know exactly what you are up against [hopefully, I will have managed to knot enough bed sheets together by tomorrow to let me climb down and escape from the hospital :-) ] Anyway, the treatment certainly seems to be helping control my condition, so I very much hope it gives you benefit too.

    All the best for your German adventures!

  14. Stephen Haney says:

    It was nice seeing you post again, Lindsey. You are in my thoughts & prayers. Sending love, light, positivity and well wishes your way.
    Sincerely,
    Stephen

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