I got a few concerned and supportive emails and text messages yesterday after posting “tired and sad.” I just wanted to assure everyone that, like I said, I am perfectly together today.
It would be OK if I was still tired and sad–it’s impossible to feel anything else but what you feel at any given moment. I’m not going to cause my tumors to grow by crying and feeling blue for a few days. If it becomes a habit, maybe. But, I also have a life outside of having cancer. And after moping around home and then school yesterday (and spending some quality sister time last night) I woke up today feeling less sad and more like I have stuff to do. That stuff got me out of the doctor’s office world and into the real world and it’s hard to feel sad in the real world where it’s sunny and I feel good.
Also, i’m finding that writing posts like yesterday’s help (yes, i’m getting meta). Sure, they force me to think about things more so I can articulate them. But this blog is also a depository of thoughts. Meaning: once it’s here it’s not in my head anymore.
I start thinking of a subject to write about, I compose it in my head for a few hours, then I write it down (rather, type it down), and edit it, and post it. And then it’s been deposited. And then I don’t have to think about it anymore. Like when you carry a check around in your wallet trying to remember to deposit it, and then once you deposit it, you don’t have to remember anymore. So writing really helps me work through whatever problem i’m having and whatever emotion i’m experiencing and once i’ve worked through it, then I can let it go. Hence why I was able to let go of feeling tired and sad yesterday.
It’s like The Giver, if you’ve read that. Or like the pensieve in Harry Potter. Exactly like the pensieve in Harry Potter, in fact. If thoughts and memories were physical things I could remove from my head and put somewhere, this blog would be the place that I put them. With the added benefit of helping my family and friends and strangers and fellow livers understand what it’s like to go through this, at least from my perspective.